Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Sax Jazzarello and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Film...Called Iron Man
As promised, here is my assault on Iron Man.
I've been thinking about this for a month and a half now, wondering how I could possibly condense all of my hatred of Iron Man (currently in the form of ten pages of scrawled notes and a small handful of aneurisms) into a brief, coherent blog post. I'm not sure I can, but I'll take a stab at it anyway.
Let's begin with a little analogy that I feel properly explains everything about Iron Man:
Fantastic : Detestable :: WALL-E : Iron Man (which, incidentally, is synonymous with Cracklin' Oat Bran : Galloping Gertie, but I digress)
But in case you need more convincing, I'll elaborate:
Things That Make Iron Man A Steaming Loaf of Bullshit:
Booze, Gadgets, Cars and Sex
Now I know what you're thinking: Those are all fantastic things! I completely agree. In fact, the only thing that would have made WALL-E even better is some greasy, drunken robot love.
Nevertheless, it's worth pointing out that Iron Man clearly took a rejected Entourage script, made it an hour and a half long, and blew some shit up. There is NO substance! I would have no problem with this if people hadn't raved about how absolutely fantastic Iron Man was... just about everybody I talked to made it seem like Iron Man rivaled There Will Be Blood - 0r Batman Begins, at least.
Let me highlight a few scenes:
The movie wastes no time in throwing all this crap at us: Not one minute in and we've got Tony Stark drinking up, making sex jokes, talking about banging 12 Maxim models, and cracking wise about Myspace and gang signs (LOL!). Oh man this movie's gonna be so deep!
A little later, we get some ridiculously hot reporter interviewing Tony Stark, bringing up several ethical questions about the very real subject of arms manufacture....yawnnnnnnnnn, I don't want to have to think!... Oh wait, they just started fucking!! Whew! These writers know what I came here to see! I really hope they don't bring that crap up again [they don't]!
Then we've got Robert Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard chilling on the plane. Naturally, the former has a drink in his hand (Apparently Downey Jr. won't put his drink down long enough to film a scene), and offers sake to the much more straight-laced Howard. Next thing you know, they're both hammered, and the plane has turned in to a dance club of sorts, with all the insanely hot stewardesses ("flight attendants" is not nearly sexist enough to describe them) grinding up on a stripper pole. What the FUCK!?!???! I'd expect this from Vince and Turtle, maybe, but not from a movie that has 93% positive reviews. I've seriously seen more sensible plots on Bang Bus.
I could continue with the countless excesses, status symbols and unneccessary pop culture references the movie has, but just rewatching these scenes has caused a rage filled blood vessel of mine to explode, so I should probably move on.
Product Placement
It's really no surprise that a movie throwing more consumerism at us than a Price Is Right marathon is riddled with blatant product placement.
Things I felt compelled to buy after watching Iron Man:
A new Verizon LG phone
Lots and lots of "Burger King American Cheeseburgers" (Tony Stark's words, not mine)
Subscription to Maxim
Multi-million dollar Jackson Pollack painting (Solely because it's extremely expensive, since that was super-cool Tony Stark's reason for getting one)
Subscription to Vanity Fair
More Audis than I can count
Propaganda
(Warning: For this section, Mazzy transformed into his own Superhero alias - Liberal Man! Proceed with caution)
The biggest product placement of all?
America.
Twice during the movie, the military higher-ups decide that it's best to report strange, Iron Man-related deaths to the American public as training misisons gone awry. This is done in a casual, but matter-of-fact manner, being joked about by all parties. Clearly, there is the tacit acceptance that it's the military's right (and duty) to lie to the public.
And every time the terrorists are shown, they have an uncanny resemblance to those pesky Middle Easterners we're bombing the shit out of. They show Tony Stark being held hostage by a bunch of terrorists, who've put a burlap bag on his head and are pointing guns at him. Hmmm... that's EXACTLY like those damn Iraqi terrorists I've seen in the newspaper! Let's kill them all!
Tony Stark even knows that he won't be set free by these evil people... they're far too evil to negotiate with. Let's kill them all!!
Oh man! Tony Stark just joked about all those bad guys living in caves! Doesn't Bin Laden live in a cave??? Let's kill them all!!!
Once Iron Man makes it clear that we need to kill all evil Middle Easterners, the movie shows us just how easy that is! Just as one particularly evil group of terrorists is going to murder a man in front of his kids and wife, Iron Man (AKA Tony Stark, the embodiment of everything American, and the manufacturer of our military's weapons) busts in and instantly kills all of them while sparing the hostages they have in their arms. Message to viewers: "These ragheads don't stand a chance against AMERICA."
The propaganda isn't just limited to the military... remember that hydrogen-powered bus shown during the epic battle between Tony Stark and The Dude? Well America and all of its gas-guzzling car companies can't have this earthy, sustainable shit! Tony Stark gets thrown through the bus, ripping through its hydrogen-advertising side. Uh oh, looks like hydrogen power took quite a hit the- OH SHIT! THE BUS JUST EXPLODED! Message to viewers: " FUCK hydrogen power."
Other Stuff
At one point, they show some E! reporter talking about an event that evening: "Whatever the case may be... no one expects an appearance from Tony Stark tonight!" Well guess what happens next?!?
HOLY SHIT! TONY STARK SHOWED UP! ZOMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
Later, Terrence Howard looks at the Iron Man suit, contemplates for a second, and then says, "Next time" as he walks away. Oh you're gonna wear the suit next time, air force man? Yeah, Paramount, we know you're making a trilogy. Do you really need to make it that blatant for the audience? (Yes, because the average American kid who eats this trash up is dumb as a funnel full of wing-nuts.)
Lastly, I hated that repeatedly throughout the movie, you'd see shadows stand up in front of the camera and walk off the side of the screen. Oh, you didn't notice that? I guess that was just in my copy.
In entirely unrelated news, I'm working on a little project that requires a male who can sing an excellent Meat Loaf rendition. Seriously. Let me know if you feel up to the task.
I've been thinking about this for a month and a half now, wondering how I could possibly condense all of my hatred of Iron Man (currently in the form of ten pages of scrawled notes and a small handful of aneurisms) into a brief, coherent blog post. I'm not sure I can, but I'll take a stab at it anyway.
Let's begin with a little analogy that I feel properly explains everything about Iron Man:
Fantastic : Detestable :: WALL-E : Iron Man (which, incidentally, is synonymous with Cracklin' Oat Bran : Galloping Gertie, but I digress)
But in case you need more convincing, I'll elaborate:
Things That Make Iron Man A Steaming Loaf of Bullshit:
Booze, Gadgets, Cars and Sex
Now I know what you're thinking: Those are all fantastic things! I completely agree. In fact, the only thing that would have made WALL-E even better is some greasy, drunken robot love.
Nevertheless, it's worth pointing out that Iron Man clearly took a rejected Entourage script, made it an hour and a half long, and blew some shit up. There is NO substance! I would have no problem with this if people hadn't raved about how absolutely fantastic Iron Man was... just about everybody I talked to made it seem like Iron Man rivaled There Will Be Blood - 0r Batman Begins, at least.
Let me highlight a few scenes:
The movie wastes no time in throwing all this crap at us: Not one minute in and we've got Tony Stark drinking up, making sex jokes, talking about banging 12 Maxim models, and cracking wise about Myspace and gang signs (LOL!). Oh man this movie's gonna be so deep!
A little later, we get some ridiculously hot reporter interviewing Tony Stark, bringing up several ethical questions about the very real subject of arms manufacture....yawnnnnnnnnn, I don't want to have to think!... Oh wait, they just started fucking!! Whew! These writers know what I came here to see! I really hope they don't bring that crap up again [they don't]!
Then we've got Robert Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard chilling on the plane. Naturally, the former has a drink in his hand (Apparently Downey Jr. won't put his drink down long enough to film a scene), and offers sake to the much more straight-laced Howard. Next thing you know, they're both hammered, and the plane has turned in to a dance club of sorts, with all the insanely hot stewardesses ("flight attendants" is not nearly sexist enough to describe them) grinding up on a stripper pole. What the FUCK!?!???! I'd expect this from Vince and Turtle, maybe, but not from a movie that has 93% positive reviews. I've seriously seen more sensible plots on Bang Bus.
I could continue with the countless excesses, status symbols and unneccessary pop culture references the movie has, but just rewatching these scenes has caused a rage filled blood vessel of mine to explode, so I should probably move on.
Product Placement
It's really no surprise that a movie throwing more consumerism at us than a Price Is Right marathon is riddled with blatant product placement.
Things I felt compelled to buy after watching Iron Man:
A new Verizon LG phone
Lots and lots of "Burger King American Cheeseburgers" (Tony Stark's words, not mine)
Subscription to Maxim
Multi-million dollar Jackson Pollack painting (Solely because it's extremely expensive, since that was super-cool Tony Stark's reason for getting one)
Subscription to Vanity Fair
More Audis than I can count
Propaganda
(Warning: For this section, Mazzy transformed into his own Superhero alias - Liberal Man! Proceed with caution)
The biggest product placement of all?
America.
Twice during the movie, the military higher-ups decide that it's best to report strange, Iron Man-related deaths to the American public as training misisons gone awry. This is done in a casual, but matter-of-fact manner, being joked about by all parties. Clearly, there is the tacit acceptance that it's the military's right (and duty) to lie to the public.
And every time the terrorists are shown, they have an uncanny resemblance to those pesky Middle Easterners we're bombing the shit out of. They show Tony Stark being held hostage by a bunch of terrorists, who've put a burlap bag on his head and are pointing guns at him. Hmmm... that's EXACTLY like those damn Iraqi terrorists I've seen in the newspaper! Let's kill them all!
Tony Stark even knows that he won't be set free by these evil people... they're far too evil to negotiate with. Let's kill them all!!
Oh man! Tony Stark just joked about all those bad guys living in caves! Doesn't Bin Laden live in a cave??? Let's kill them all!!!
Once Iron Man makes it clear that we need to kill all evil Middle Easterners, the movie shows us just how easy that is! Just as one particularly evil group of terrorists is going to murder a man in front of his kids and wife, Iron Man (AKA Tony Stark, the embodiment of everything American, and the manufacturer of our military's weapons) busts in and instantly kills all of them while sparing the hostages they have in their arms. Message to viewers: "These ragheads don't stand a chance against AMERICA."
The propaganda isn't just limited to the military... remember that hydrogen-powered bus shown during the epic battle between Tony Stark and The Dude? Well America and all of its gas-guzzling car companies can't have this earthy, sustainable shit! Tony Stark gets thrown through the bus, ripping through its hydrogen-advertising side. Uh oh, looks like hydrogen power took quite a hit the- OH SHIT! THE BUS JUST EXPLODED! Message to viewers: " FUCK hydrogen power."
Other Stuff
At one point, they show some E! reporter talking about an event that evening: "Whatever the case may be... no one expects an appearance from Tony Stark tonight!" Well guess what happens next?!?
HOLY SHIT! TONY STARK SHOWED UP! ZOMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
Later, Terrence Howard looks at the Iron Man suit, contemplates for a second, and then says, "Next time" as he walks away. Oh you're gonna wear the suit next time, air force man? Yeah, Paramount, we know you're making a trilogy. Do you really need to make it that blatant for the audience? (Yes, because the average American kid who eats this trash up is dumb as a funnel full of wing-nuts.)
Lastly, I hated that repeatedly throughout the movie, you'd see shadows stand up in front of the camera and walk off the side of the screen. Oh, you didn't notice that? I guess that was just in my copy.
In entirely unrelated news, I'm working on a little project that requires a male who can sing an excellent Meat Loaf rendition. Seriously. Let me know if you feel up to the task.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Prelude to My Assault on Iron Man
Thursday night, realizing that my only alternative was to get drunk by myself and watch Bad News Bears, I decided that I was bored enough to see Ironman.
But first, I got wonderfully, fantastically and terribly high. The kind of high that makes you frantically jump from nervous paranoia to an excited warmth as you rock out in silence, realizing that you're living life in the fast lane, picturing yourself amongst the cast of Detroit Rock City (when sober, you realize that you're an idiot for thinking this). The kind of high that makes you incredibly thankful that your only responsibility for the next two hours is to sit and enjoy Westbury's tiered cinema seating, since you're certain that you couldn't physically do much else (you could, but you're just too stoned to realize it).
More importantly though, I was in that incredible state that completely alters all perception, disjointing seemingly connected events. I would intensely focus on mere seconds at a time, only to find myself struggling to recall my latest epiphany. Such a skewed drug-induced lens allowed me to witness the film in a manner entirely different from how filmmakers expect you to view their work. In other words, for those two hours, I could see through ALL the bullshit. Hear that, Favreau? Yeah, fuck you.
Anyway, I plan on rewatching Iron Man so I can systematically point out every single piece of steaming, rotten garbage that makes up the movie. To give you a little preview of that, I'll discuss the previews that I sat through, stoned as ever:
The Happening (trailer)
I love M. Night Shyamalan, certainly more than most people. I am appalled that Unbreakable was a flop (Samuel L. Jackson's hair is worth the rental price alone), I defend Signs and The Village against their myriad criticisms, and I even lied to myself and others by saying that I liked Lady in the Water.
But with this trailer, I'm finally taking a stand against Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan (yeah, not such a cool name now, is it, bitch?). It doesn't take long to realize that this movie should be called "The Already Happened". To show this, I whipped up a handy little chart:
But first, I got wonderfully, fantastically and terribly high. The kind of high that makes you frantically jump from nervous paranoia to an excited warmth as you rock out in silence, realizing that you're living life in the fast lane, picturing yourself amongst the cast of Detroit Rock City (when sober, you realize that you're an idiot for thinking this). The kind of high that makes you incredibly thankful that your only responsibility for the next two hours is to sit and enjoy Westbury's tiered cinema seating, since you're certain that you couldn't physically do much else (you could, but you're just too stoned to realize it).
More importantly though, I was in that incredible state that completely alters all perception, disjointing seemingly connected events. I would intensely focus on mere seconds at a time, only to find myself struggling to recall my latest epiphany. Such a skewed drug-induced lens allowed me to witness the film in a manner entirely different from how filmmakers expect you to view their work. In other words, for those two hours, I could see through ALL the bullshit. Hear that, Favreau? Yeah, fuck you.
Anyway, I plan on rewatching Iron Man so I can systematically point out every single piece of steaming, rotten garbage that makes up the movie. To give you a little preview of that, I'll discuss the previews that I sat through, stoned as ever:
The Happening (trailer)
I love M. Night Shyamalan, certainly more than most people. I am appalled that Unbreakable was a flop (Samuel L. Jackson's hair is worth the rental price alone), I defend Signs and The Village against their myriad criticisms, and I even lied to myself and others by saying that I liked Lady in the Water.
But with this trailer, I'm finally taking a stand against Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan (yeah, not such a cool name now, is it, bitch?). It doesn't take long to realize that this movie should be called "The Already Happened". To show this, I whipped up a handy little chart:
And I'll be damned if there's not a twist at the end!
The Love Guru (trailer)
Writer: Any ideas for the next film before the inevitable Austin Powers 4? Come on Myers, I know you've got a bunch more zany characters up your sleeve! Or we could just whip up another Wayne's World. All the money's in bullshit sequels these days.
Mike Myers: No go on WW3... Carvey's not interested because he's neither a hack nor a sellout. You know, I do do a really great Indian impression.
W: No you don't! You don't look or sound the least bit Indian!
MM: Who cares how bad my impression is? Don't you see that this is just another vehicle for us to hit the midget with shit for an hour and a half?
W: True. And I'm sure Verne's in. He lost his self-respect years ago! But we're gonna need some filler...
MM: OOH! We can ruin one of Max's favorite jokes by overly explaining it, turning it into a social faux pas that will only be said by middle-schoolers, frat guys and frumpy middle-aged secretaries that wrongly think that they're fun people!
W: Dammit, we can't lose Max! I hear he secretly loves most of this garbage. He thought Dodgeball was hilarious, though I'll be damned if you'd find that info on his facebook page!
MM: Jessica Alba should do the trick.
Yes, yes she should.
You Don't Mess With The Zohan (trailer)
I must give some creativity points to the Happy Madison crew... by opting to go from Isreali Counter-Terrorist to Fashion Designer, rather than going from Jackass to Athlete, they've extended beyond their typical plot formula:
Despite such formulaic plots, I'll probably see all three of these movies, since I love all that stupid shit. But you know what I don't love? Iron Man. More to come soon.
The Love Guru (trailer)
Writer: Any ideas for the next film before the inevitable Austin Powers 4? Come on Myers, I know you've got a bunch more zany characters up your sleeve! Or we could just whip up another Wayne's World. All the money's in bullshit sequels these days.
Mike Myers: No go on WW3... Carvey's not interested because he's neither a hack nor a sellout. You know, I do do a really great Indian impression.
W: No you don't! You don't look or sound the least bit Indian!
MM: Who cares how bad my impression is? Don't you see that this is just another vehicle for us to hit the midget with shit for an hour and a half?
W: True. And I'm sure Verne's in. He lost his self-respect years ago! But we're gonna need some filler...
MM: OOH! We can ruin one of Max's favorite jokes by overly explaining it, turning it into a social faux pas that will only be said by middle-schoolers, frat guys and frumpy middle-aged secretaries that wrongly think that they're fun people!
W: Dammit, we can't lose Max! I hear he secretly loves most of this garbage. He thought Dodgeball was hilarious, though I'll be damned if you'd find that info on his facebook page!
MM: Jessica Alba should do the trick.
Yes, yes she should.
You Don't Mess With The Zohan (trailer)
I must give some creativity points to the Happy Madison crew... by opting to go from Isreali Counter-Terrorist to Fashion Designer, rather than going from Jackass to Athlete, they've extended beyond their typical plot formula:
Despite such formulaic plots, I'll probably see all three of these movies, since I love all that stupid shit. But you know what I don't love? Iron Man. More to come soon.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Three Films That Would Be Better Than The Bucket List
I think Rob Reiner has lost his thunder.
Undoubtedly one of the best directors of the '80s (Stand By Me, Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally), he has fallen quite far. And hell, he even co-wrote the first episoder of Happy Days! Yep, things we're looking rosy for Carl Reiner's kid... until South Park pointed out his affinity for club sandwiches:
Since then, he's directed three films:
Alex & Emma - Fyodor Dostoevsky must be rolling in his intimidating monstrosity of a Russian grave knowing that this piece of poop is loosely based on his life:
Rumor Has It - I'll just quote the last two lines of its Wikipedia page on this one.
Undoubtedly one of the best directors of the '80s (Stand By Me, Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally), he has fallen quite far. And hell, he even co-wrote the first episoder of Happy Days! Yep, things we're looking rosy for Carl Reiner's kid... until South Park pointed out his affinity for club sandwiches:
Since then, he's directed three films:
Alex & Emma - Fyodor Dostoevsky must be rolling in his intimidating monstrosity of a Russian grave knowing that this piece of poop is loosely based on his life:
Rumor Has It - I'll just quote the last two lines of its Wikipedia page on this one.
Determined to win Jeff back, Sarah flies back to New York City and tells Jeff of her feelings. They eventually make up.
As the movie closes, we see Sarah and Jeff's wedding.
Whoops, forgot to say "spoiler alert". Apologies.
The Bucket List - Surely the most cliched, trite film ever made, telling the story of two old guys (Starring Jack Nicholson as Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as Morgan Freeman) from different racial and socioeconomic backgrounds (guess which one's poor!) who become best buds because they're both dying from cancer. They set off to do all those fun things they've always wanted to do, because cancer time is happy fun time, apparently!
There is a very long list of films I would rather see than The Bucket List. In fact, there's a whole Wikipedia page on it! With this in mind, I even made up a few of my own that I'd rather see:
The Fuck It List
Jack Pickleson (About Clit, Wanger Management) and the famously liverspotted Morgan Creamin' (The Sum of All Rears, March of the Sexy Penguins) team up as a pair of affable, dying sex addicts, who pledge to travel around the world and sleep with all the hot women they never got a chance to bone. It would surely push the envelope on the Interracial Old Guy Threesome genre. Co-starring Kathy Bates.
The Suck It List
Shawn Michaels and Triple H are both dying of cancer, when they remember their glory days as D-Generation X, telling hicks and middle schoolers all around the globe to "Suck It!" while simultaneously giving their signature crotch chop. They reunite and pledge to spend their dying days homoerotically crotch chopping a whole slew of people who never got to see the DX magic; a Suck It swan song, if I may.
Highlights include telling Dakota Fanning and Vladimir Putin to suck it, simultaneously.
The Mr. Bucket List
Sadly, this one isn't a buddy flick. Feeling abandoned by the Chicken Limbo chicken and the gator from Gator Golf, and diagnosed with cancer, Mr. Bucket sets off on a last hurrah of ball-popping. Unfortunately, he gets into trouble after he is jailed by a Thai prince for attempting to pop his Katamari. While in prison, Mr. Bucket is forced to star in numerous Internet snuff films while his cancer (testicular, ironically enough) eats away at him. Directed by Oliver Stone.
There is a very long list of films I would rather see than The Bucket List. In fact, there's a whole Wikipedia page on it! With this in mind, I even made up a few of my own that I'd rather see:
The Fuck It List
Jack Pickleson (About Clit, Wanger Management) and the famously liverspotted Morgan Creamin' (The Sum of All Rears, March of the Sexy Penguins) team up as a pair of affable, dying sex addicts, who pledge to travel around the world and sleep with all the hot women they never got a chance to bone. It would surely push the envelope on the Interracial Old Guy Threesome genre. Co-starring Kathy Bates.
The Suck It List
Shawn Michaels and Triple H are both dying of cancer, when they remember their glory days as D-Generation X, telling hicks and middle schoolers all around the globe to "Suck It!" while simultaneously giving their signature crotch chop. They reunite and pledge to spend their dying days homoerotically crotch chopping a whole slew of people who never got to see the DX magic; a Suck It swan song, if I may.Highlights include telling Dakota Fanning and Vladimir Putin to suck it, simultaneously.
The Mr. Bucket List
Sadly, this one isn't a buddy flick. Feeling abandoned by the Chicken Limbo chicken and the gator from Gator Golf, and diagnosed with cancer, Mr. Bucket sets off on a last hurrah of ball-popping. Unfortunately, he gets into trouble after he is jailed by a Thai prince for attempting to pop his Katamari. While in prison, Mr. Bucket is forced to star in numerous Internet snuff films while his cancer (testicular, ironically enough) eats away at him. Directed by Oliver Stone.
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