Prelude to My Assault on Iron Man

Thursday night, realizing that my only alternative was to get drunk by myself and watch Bad News Bears, I decided that I was bored enough to see Ironman.

But first, I got wonderfully, fantastically and terribly high. The kind of high that makes you frantically jump from nervous paranoia to an excited warmth as you rock out in silence, realizing that you're living life in the fast lane, picturing yourself amongst the cast of Detroit Rock City (when sober, you realize that you're an idiot for thinking this). The kind of high that makes you incredibly thankful that your only responsibility for the next two hours is to sit and enjoy Westbury's tiered cinema seating, since you're certain that you couldn't physically do much else (you could, but you're just too stoned to realize it).

More importantly though, I was in that incredible state that completely alters all perception, disjointing seemingly connected events. I would intensely focus on mere seconds at a time, only to find myself struggling to recall my latest epiphany. Such a skewed drug-induced lens allowed me to witness the film in a manner entirely different from how filmmakers expect you to view their work. In other words, for those two hours, I could see through ALL the bullshit. Hear that, Favreau? Yeah, fuck you.

Anyway, I plan on rewatching Iron Man so I can systematically point out every single piece of steaming, rotten garbage that makes up the movie. To give you a little preview of that, I'll discuss the previews that I sat through, stoned as ever:


The Happening (trailer)

I love M. Night Shyamalan, certainly more than most people. I am appalled that Unbreakable was a flop (Samuel L. Jackson's hair is worth the rental price alone), I defend Signs and The Village against their myriad criticisms, and I even lied to myself and others by saying that I liked Lady in the Water.

But with this trailer, I'm finally taking a stand against Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan (yeah, not such a cool name now, is it, bitch?). It doesn't take long to realize that this movie should be called "The Already Happened". To show this, I whipped up a handy little chart:

And I'll be damned if there's not a twist at the end!


The Love Guru (trailer)

Writer: Any ideas for the next film before the inevitable Austin Powers 4? Come on Myers, I know you've got a bunch more zany characters up your sleeve! Or we could just whip up another Wayne's World. All the money's in bullshit sequels these days.
Mike Myers: No go on WW3... Carvey's not interested because he's neither a hack nor a sellout. You know, I do do a really great Indian impression.
W: No you don't! You don't look or sound the least bit Indian!
MM: Who cares how bad my impression is? Don't you see that this is just another vehicle for us to hit the midget with shit for an hour and a half?
W: True. And I'm sure Verne's in. He lost his self-respect years ago! But we're gonna need some filler...
MM: OOH! We can ruin one of Max's favorite jokes by overly explaining it, turning it into a social faux pas that will only be said by middle-schoolers, frat guys and frumpy middle-aged secretaries that wrongly think that they're fun people!
W: Dammit, we can't lose Max! I hear he secretly loves most of this garbage. He thought Dodgeball was hilarious, though I'll be damned if you'd find that info on his facebook page!
MM: Jessica Alba should do the trick.

Yes, yes she should.


You Don't Mess With The Zohan (trailer)

I must give some creativity points to the Happy Madison crew... by opting to go from Isreali Counter-Terrorist to Fashion Designer, rather than going from Jackass to Athlete, they've extended beyond their typical plot formula:



Despite such formulaic plots, I'll probably see all three of these movies, since I love all that stupid shit. But you know what I don't love? Iron Man. More to come soon.