Joke Retirement Center: The Ol' Win-Win

I’m a big fan of jokes. Take, for instance, this little gem (answer at the end of the article):

How many ants live in an apartment?

But, just like everything besides socks and juice boxes, there can be too much of a good thing when it comes to jokes. Sadly, some jokes have overstayed their welcome and need to be shipped off to a home, which is why I have created the Joke Retirement Center.

The Joke Retirement Center is a place where old, stale, overused jokes can be taken care of far, far away from our vernacular. In order to get the ball rolling, our very first joke has been committed to the Joke Retirement Center:

The Ol’ Win-Win

The scenario is a lovely Saturday afternoon in early autumn, with family and friends enjoying a nice barbecue. The men, being men and all, make their way into the den to watch some college football. Who’s playing, you ask? Why, none other than the Clemson Tigers and the Memphis Tigers! Seeing as there are over 300 schools in NCAA’s Division I, and that wild, ferocious animals are a common team moniker, it’s no surprise that both teams are called the Tigers. Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop Larry from making that classic comment, “I bet the Tigers win!” Everybody gives a hearty laugh while Larry smiles and scoops up some salsa.

You know what I hope Larry does? I hope he puts his money where his mouth is. Go on, Larry. March on down to your bookie and tell him you want to put two large on the Tigers. What Larry doesn’t know is that his bookie, though formerly a fan of such a stupid little joke, has become a hardened, frank man after years in such a cutthroat industry. He also has a mean temper and a tire iron. Now I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out for you, but let’s just say the bookie gets a bit bludgeony. And when that happens, I’ll be next in line asking the bookie for the over-under on Larry’s blood loss.

You may be thinking, “Why don’t the college teams just change their names so that they’re all unique?” I agree wholeheartedly, especially since it’s high time teams got a bit more inventive with team names, straying beyond big cats and predatory birds. Perhaps Larry would still be able to wipe himself had the Clemson Spoons squared off against the Memphis Sega Dreamcast Controllers that day. But that wouldn’t end all facets of the Ol’ Win-Win. Here’s another scenario:

My roommate challenges me to some Mortal Kombat Trilogy. He picks Sub-Zero for the ice projectiles. I pick Sub-Zero for the nasty combo and the polar bear animality (back, back, forward, down, high punch!). Then roommate number three comes and sits down to watch, since there’s nothing else to do (This is how we live). After eyeing the screen, he’s quick to point out, “My money’s on Sub-Zero!” We all LOL for a while, and then I punch him in the face.

Perhaps you’re upset at the prospect of losing these jokes to retirement. If that’s the case, just think of it as a joke Hall of Fame of sorts! The Joke Retirement Center is a magical place where legendary jokes like the Ol’ Win-Win are honored and fattened up. Then they’re turned into a nice, syrupy joke-glue.

Ten.