For whatever reason, I remembered a fun little story from my youth the other day. When I was in third grade, a couple years before I realized how easy it was to bullshit my way through school, I put a whole lot of effort in my work. On one assignment in particular, I was stuck with a very daunting task.
Remember those stupid things where you would spell out your name going down the left side of the page, and then you’d list a bunch of horribly trite adjectives to describe yourself, with each one starting with a letter from your name? They usually went something like this:
Special
Terrific
Extra Special
Very cool
Extraodinary!
First off, fuck Steve, that little paste-eating shit. There’s nothing “Extraodinary” about having to use two words because you can’t think of an adjective that starts with V. You’re probably right about being special though.
This was my attitude back in third grade, though I was admittedly less vitriolic (how do you like dem apples, Steve); I wasn’t gonna half-ass such an assignment, because I’m fucking better than Steve. I’m terrific, motherfucker.
So I set to work. I’ve only got three letters in my name, so this should be a cakewalk.
M. Well that’s an easy one. I’m marvelous. I’m also the manliest eight-year-old there is. I’m macho. I’m mighty putty, baby. I got this shit.
A. I’m athletic! I’m an eight-year-old in a fucking BOWLING LEAGUE. You know what else I am? Amazing. I’m also adorable in my lil’ denim jacket (but still manly!). I’m awesome as hell. Holy shit I’m good at this! It took like two minutes and I’m almost done. Cartoons are just ‘round the corner!
X. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Nothing starts with X! Mommy, is xylophone an adjective? Shit. How about x-ray? I can be x-ray, right Mom? Are you sure?
I checked the dictionary just to make sure. Nope, couldn’t be x-ray. You know what kind of bullshit Steve would pull if he had an X in his name, right? eXcellent. What a fucking cop out, Steve. You might as well drop out of school now and get a heard start on your Taco Bell application, because that shit ain’t excellent at all. It's eFcellent, and the F stands for failure, bitch.
So no taking the easy way out, no matter how long it takes. There’s GOTTA be an adjective that starts with X! I decided to read the entire X section of the dictionary until I found one. I even read secondary and tertiary definitions.
After what seemed like hours, I finally stumbled across an adjective that started with X. The primary definition didn’t fit all that great, but one of the secondary definitions said something along the lines of, “One who interacts with people of the same appearance, such as those having blond hair and blue eyes.” Seeing as I was blond-haired and blue-eyed, this was clearly the perfect fit! Finally!
Jokes on you, Steve, ‘cause I fucking NAILED it! I got the X! The final product:
Marvelous
Athletic
Xenophobic
Seriously. I guess my teacher was either uneducated or racist, because it hung in the classroom for a few weeks.
